Pearl Harbour: A Parody
by IceColdInAlex
Summary: I wrote this with my best friend, and thought it was time to share it with the world. ENJOY.
1. Chapter 1

**PEARL HARBOUR: A PARODY**

**BY ICECOLDINALEX AND HER BEST FRIEND**

* * *

(Tennessee, 1923. A small red plane is flying over some land. The title "Pearl Harbour: A Parody appears in shimmering gold letters. Two boys are playing war in an old plane.)

Rafe: Bzzzz! German baindits, two o'clock! Or is it one? I cain't tell the time!

Danny: Cssshhhh! It's actually four o'clock, Rafe! Bzzzzz!

Rafe: Crack shootin', Danny!

Danny: Crack shootin' Rafe! (He looks at the control panel.) Uh, spell it right, Rafe! 'Rudder' is spelt with two 'd's. And an 'e'. And a 'u'.

Rafe: Thanks, wingman. We gotta get these dirty German baindits. Land of the free!

Danny: Home of the brave! (Oh dear _Lord_.) Bzzzzzzzzzch! Neoooowm! (The red plane swoops overhead.)

Rafe: C'mon, I'mma teach how t' fly!

Danny: Can I be in front?

Rafe: No.

Danny: I'm bigger, so I should be up front.

Rafe: I'm older!

Danny: I'm cleverer!

Rafe: I'm… yeah, good point… Well, I'm teaching, so I'm in front. (They get in, Rafe twiddles some dials, and presses a big red lever marked 'ON'. The plane starts up and moves off.)

Danny: Oh ma gosh! Make it stop!

Rafe: Don't worry, I seen ma daddy do it loadsa times!

Danny: (To himself.) Oh ma God. (The plane suddenly lifts into the air, a mystery to the two boys. It is certainly not lifted by the quality of writing for this film.)

Rafe: Oh ma gosh, we're flying! (The plane bumps back down on the ground. Yes. Definitely not the writing.) No, we're not.

Danny: (As the plane grinds to a halt.) Wow! We flew! We're pilots! (Not really, dear.)

Rafe: Ma daddy's gonna kill me, I think I left a wet patch on his seat. (10 seconds later.) We flew! (They run to the barn.)

Danny: Yay! We flew! (He bumps into his dad, who has conveniently arrived on the scene to move the plot along.)

Danny's dad: What are you doin', messing around wi' this stupid boy? He can't read!

Danny: Or write.

Danny's dad: Come home now, you got chores t' do! (He bitch-slaps him.)

Danny: Ow! Daddy! (Rafe sees, and sticks his chin out in a determined way.)

Danny's dad: (Do we ever learn his name? Dammit Randall Wallace.) C'mon!

Danny: Daddy, no! (Rafe runs over to them, hits the dad with… a plank of wood? _Seriously_? The dad falls to the ground, though I'm not sure a 6 year old boy has that much upper body strength.)

Rafe: I will bust ya open, ya dirty German!

Danny's dad/ Walker Sr.: Whatchoo call me? I'm not German. I'm an American yokel, and prouda it. (Sentimental music plays.) I fought the Germans, in the… um… well, those hole things in the ground, in France. And I saw thaings I pray nobody has to see again… (He searches for an example. Finds none. Walks off into a field of corn.)

Danny: (Panting, for some reason. To Rafe.) You're ma best friend. (Turns and runs.) Daddy, wait! (He was hitting you a moment ago, dear…? Camera steadily zooms onto Rafe, once again sticking his chin out. Colour changes to black and white, for we are now watching a war newsreel… Wow. Nice segue.)

* * *

_I am so sorry. _


	2. Chapter 2

(Long Island, 1941. Danny and Rafe are in P-41s. Well, to be honest, they could be in B-25s, the level of inaccuracy in this film is astonishing. Anyway, they speed down over the airfield. Pilots on the ground, who we shall meet later, shake their heads.)

Rafe: Shall we play hen, Danny?

Danny: 'Chicken', and no. This ain't the farm, and these ain't no crop-dusters. (No shit.) No. I ain't doing it. No.

Rafe: Oh, c'mon! Don't be a baby!

Danny: Why ya always busting ma ass, Rafe? (Pauses.) Which way ya going?

Rafe: Erm… (Checks his hands.) I'll go right. No, left. Left. I'll go left.

Danny: OK, so we're goin' left, right?

Rafe: Right. Right?

Danny: Right like we're going right, or right like we're going left? (Oh, for God's sake.)

Rafe: Aw, hell, Danny, now you got me all confused! I don't know!

Danny: God, Rafe, we're going right! (Why not just stick with left? Sigh. Rafe is still checking his hands, figuring out which way _is_ right. They zoom past each other.)

Rafe: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Haha! (On the ground, the pilots are whooping.)

Officer: Shut up! Those flyboys are grounded!

Red (a red-headed fella, prone to stuttering): Yessir, an entirely unacceptable use of mmmmmmmiltary aircraft, ssssir.

Officer: Get my hat. Get those hedgehoppers in the Colonel's office. Get me something to eat.

* * *

Doolittle: Years of training, and yet you still believe an expensive airplane is there for you to play hen?

Rafe: 'Chicken', sir… And I was just tryin' to keep ma… keep ma… head, sir.

Doolittle: And when you did the outside loop or whatever last week, what was that? Honing your skills? That's not training, McWhateveryournameis, that's a stunt! (Outside, Danny looks scared and wriggles in his seat.) And I consider it to be irresponsible!

Rafe: Er, well… Major, how can that be? You're famous for being the first man ever to do it. (OK, _this_ part is accurate. I Googled it.)

Doolittle: Don't get cute with me, you ugly reject.

Rafe: No, I'm not bein' disrespectful, sir. I was trying to inspire the men, the way you've inspired me. The French have a word for that, sir. They call it a… a… a… (Under breath.) Damn! (Normal voice.) A… (In a cough.) Croissant, sir.

Doolittle: What?

Rafe: (In a cough.) A croissant, sir!

Doolittle: That's bullshit, McCawley! (Outside, Danny has probably soiled his military-issue skivvies, judging by the look on his face. Doolittle then speaks in a hoarse voice.) But that's very very good bullshit.

Rafe: (Pleased chin face.) Thank you, sir.

Doolittle: Relax, sit down. Not there! Hahahahahaa! Oh, I'm only joking. No, don't cry… Sorry. You can sit there.

Rafe: (Sniffing.) OK.

Doolittle: I've gotta tell you, you've been accepted into the Eagle Squadron. You're on your way tomorrow.

Rafe: (Nods slowly.) Wow.

Doolittle: I've gotta ask you to reconsider.

Rafe: I don't know if I understand that.

Doolittle: We're gonna be in this war soon enough (Wow, blatant foreshadowing much?) and just for the record, I've gotta ask you to stay. I'm gonna need all my best pilots.

Rafe: Erm, what would you do, sir?

Doolittle: If it were me, I'd go.

Rafe: (Even more confused. As are the audience.) OK…

* * *

Billy (another pilot): Boo! Am I going bald right back here?

Red: Ooh!

Billy: Goddammit, I wanna know!

Red: Well, nnnno. You're OK.

Billy: I am one good-looking son-uva-bitch. Don't you ever die. (AHA! More foreshadowing ahoy!)

Tony (token Italian pilot): Die. That's exactly the concept you gotta work tonight. Put a drop of this clove oil underneath your eyes, get your nurse alone, and say "Baby. They're training me for war. And I don't know what will happen. But if I die tomorrow, I wanna know that we lived all we could… tonight. (Cue cringes from all the women in the audience.)

* * *

Billy: C'mon! (Gets pushed by Red down the steps.)

Rafe: Health and safety guys! (Turns back to Danny.)

Danny: How could ya do this to me, Rafe?

Rafe: Well, Doolittlelittle assigned me. He wanted me to get some real combat-fighting-training, or something.

Danny: Well, guess what?

Rafe: What?

Danny: Nothing. I'm kidding. It's not training over there, it's war. Where the losers die, and there aren't any winners, just guys who turn into trainwrecks like ma father.

Rafe: (Thinks for a minute.) If there aren't any winners, then how can there be losers? (Danny looks at him disgustedly.) Oh, c'mon, I got a duty to go.

Danny: Don't preach to me about duty, goddammit! I wear the same uniform you do. But better.

Rafe: Look Danny, I'm sorry. (Danny turns to lean on the car. He looks pained.) Danny, I know you're upset, but ain't that takin' it a bit far?

Danny: No, I think it's indigestion.

Red: Hey, c'mon, the nnnnurses can't dddddance by themselves!

Danny: I might sit this one out, guys.

Rafe: No, c'mon Danny! (Fine friend he is.)

* * *

_It can only get worse._


	3. Chapter 3

(On a train. Evelyn, a nurse – though you'd never guess it – with surprisingly long hair for the 1940s, is giggling with her friends.)

Barbara (she's blonde…? I dunno, I get her mixed up): If the call of duty means seeing 100 men in their underwear every day, then we are here to serve.

Sandra (glasses): You tart! Remember we're spies, not tourists!

Martha: Yes. I joined the Japanese secret service to do my patriotic duty… and, well, to meet guys.

Betty: Haha! Me too. (Sandra rolls her eyes.)

Evelyn: Girls, we're gonna have so much fun tonight in New York City. (Evil Evelyn smile.)

Barbara: You gotta tell them the story, Ev. (We tried to improve this dialogue, but it was past the point of no return.)

Betty: What?

Evelyn: Oh, it's such a long story…

Martha: We got time!

Evelyn: Well, it was about 4 weeks ago.

* * *

Barbara: Fusco, Anthony!

Red: (Indecently exposed. Jeez, this is supposed to be 1941! To Martha.) What d'ya think is bbbbetter, all in the one cheek, or sssssspreading it out? (Martha just stares. Attagirl.) Er, OK. (She stabs the syringe in his backside, and while I admire her ferocity, surely that would damage something? Red does an impressive pain face.)

Tony: You OK, buddy?

Red: Nuhhh…

Tony: (To Barbara.) Do you really have to do this, sweetie? I'm not gonna get yellow fever in my barracks. (Hmm, it does sound improbable, but to be fair, it'd probably be one of the most plausible plotlines in this film.)

Barbara: Well, if you want, _she_ can do it. (Martha gives a second jab.)

Tony: (Looks suitably shaken. Hmm. If he gets like that at the sight of an injection, there really is no hope.) Er, OK, just gimme a minute.

Barbara: OK, honey, the government says stick 'em, we stick 'em.

Tony: Agh! (Martha and Barbara high-five.)

Rafe: (As Red walks past rubbing his backside.) You OK, buddy?

Red: What does it look like, you ugly reject?

Random nurse: Eye exam number 4!

Rafe: Danny, is that me?

Danny: Yeah. (They walk over to Evelyn's station.) Rafe, just keep practising the bottom line, I've written it down.

Rafe: I can't read that! What does it say?

Danny: J, L, M, P, O, E, T, X.

Rafe: L, J, no, J, L, M, P? P, O, E, T, X. Yeah?

Evelyn: Excuse me? I haven't got all day!

Rafe: Ma'am. J, L, M, P, O, E, T, X. Eyes like a mole, ma'am.

Evelyn: Moles are blind.

Rafe: Eagle?

Evelyn: Alright, flyboy. Read the top line, both eyes.

Rafe: Erm… C. No, J. C. Um, F, no, E. (Danny buries his face in his hands.) Ma'am. I know how this looks.

Evelyn: I'm sorry, lieutenant, I really am, but… why are you pulling that face?

Rafe: I don't know.

Evelyn: Right. Army and Navy require 20-20 vision.

Rafe: What the heck is that?

Evelyn: (Sighs. Yeah, we're as frustrated as you are…) It means you have to have perfect eyesight.

Rafe: Oh, no. It's not a problem with ma eyes. I can see! I just got a problem with ma letters. I get 'em mixed up, I get confused sometimes.

Evelyn: Maybe after some schooling you could come back?

Rafe: I had schooling. It's just I went to school in Tennessee, and we didn't do that much. Look, ma math and… whatever that says, they're excellent.

Evelyn: You barely passed the written exam. Or the others, come to think of it.

Rafe: I thought they were excellent…

Evelyn: If you call failing excellent.

Rafe: Look, ma'am. You don't fight with manuals or gauges. It's all about feeling and speed and letting the plane become part of you. That file says that a guy who's a bit thick can't be a pilot, but ma chart says I'm the best pilot in the room.

Danny: Oh, thanks, Rafe.

Evelyn: (Pauses.) Lieutenant, that is the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. (Yup. You and me both. Scene switches to the train.) I felt so bad. I had no choice. I passed him. (Dear Lord, no! Don't you know what you have done?! You've just enabled Baffleck to be on screen for another 5 days or possibly longer!)

Other nurses: Aww, Evelyn!

Evelyn: So then this dumb pilot comes back. (Aaaaand back to the hospital, or wherever the heck this is supposed to be. I don't even know. Surely they would have had these tests _before_ training to be a pilot?)

Rafe: Hey fella, you enlisted?

Man: Yeah.

Rafe: 'Yeah'? Boy, you're talking to an officer! (An officer? How on earth did he become an officer?) Gimme that file. Parade rest.

Man: I'm not on parade.

Rafe: Shut up. (Walks to Evelyn's new table.) Ma'am, I didn't get a chance to thank you.

Evelyn: Drop your skivvies. (Oh God, please don't.)

Rafe: Ma what?

Evelyn: Your underwear.

Rafe: Er, OK. Like this?

Evelyn: He did have a very cute butt. (NO HE DIDN'T.)

Rafe: I just wanted to put your mind at rest about passing me. I am a great flyer.

Evelyn: You still haven't actually said thank you.

Rafe: Thank you.

Evelyn: (Smiles evilly.) You're welcome.

Rafe: Look, miss, I think I should take you out to dinner. (She stabs his backside with a syringe. He screams like a little girl.)

Evelyn: Sorry, did I poke too deep? (You probably broke the goddamn needle.)

Rafe: I think you hit the bone there. Oh, it hurts. You're nasty. Is there any chance you might like me?

Evelyn: Oh, how did you guess? They never taught us how to deal with this… feeling. It's like this. (She jabs him again.)

Rafe: Agh!

Evelyn: Well.

Rafe: Hold on a moment, ma'am. I think you are exquisitely beautiful, and I really like you. (Evelyn looks at him strangely.) I was wondering to myself, as one does, if I could perhaps take you out to dine, for luncheon, perchance?

Evelyn: You're acting strange. Hey, this isn't your chart! Not that I checked, but whatever.

Rafe: No, no, it's this pleasant chap's over here.

Evelyn: Have you already had this shot?

Rafe: Yes, m'lady. Once, or possibly, twice already. Look, may I ask you out?

Evelyn: No! (Rafe faints.)

* * *

Evelyn and other nurses: (Talking subtly so nobody can hear. Probably about how much this film will ruin their reputation as an actress. They scurry down the steps to see Rafe sitting on the wall.)

Rafe: Hey!

Evelyn: (Her hair is finally tied back. Huzzah! Under breath.) Oh, not you again. (Normal voice.) Hello. Oh, gosh, are you OK? (Like you care. Like we care.)

Rafe: Yeah, fine! I got some er, genuine French champagne. From, er… er… huh. Ooh? Where? Erm…

Evelyn: I'm making a tentative guess at France.

Rafe: Oh, yeah, that must be it. I can't read the label, see.

Evelyn: Right. (They sit down.)

Rafe: Thank you for passing me. I just wanna put your mind at ease about it, because I am a great flyer. (Didn't he already say this, like, 5 minutes ago?)

Evelyn: And if you did have a problem, it'd be modesty.

Rafe: No. It'd be that I can't read or write! God, you're just so… (Cork flies into his nose. Pahahaaa.) Ow! Ow! (Evelyn is cackling evilly.) Oh, God, it hurts. It hurts somethin' fierce. (He starts crying, but it's OK, because he is our… hero.)

Evelyn: Come here, it's bleeding. (She lays him on her lap and puts ice on his nose.)

Rafe: Aaaagh! Ow!

Evelyn: Lay still, I can sort it out.

Rafe: Oh, you're so beautiful it hurts. (Jeez, Randall.)

Evelyn: It's your nose that hurts.

Rafe: I think it's ma heart. (Oh, it got worse.)

Evelyn: (In voiceover.) And then I kissed him. (Why? Back to train.)

Sandra: That is the most romantic story I've ever heard. (No, it's not.)

Evelyn: It's been the most romantic 4 weeks and 2 days of my entire life. (Bleurgh.)

* * *

_What can I say? Me and my best friend are just nuts. _


	4. Chapter 4

(We are now on a busy railway platform. Smoke is billowing across the screen, and through the mist, like a Byronic hero – except not – Rafe appears. He does a teapot wave to a woman appearing through the steam.)

Rafe: Hello lieutenant.

Evelyn: Hello, you ugly reject. I mean, lieutenant!

Rafe: It's nice to see you. (It's not nice to see _you_. He does a chin smile.) Pick a hand.

Evelyn: Um… that one. (Rafe pulls out a ball of scrunched-up paper.) Oh… thanks? What's in your other hand?

Rafe: (Pulls out another ball of paper.) Mine.

Evelyn: Oh, it's… beautiful.

Rafe: Well, it took me 6 hours to fold these! (She laughs nervously, and looks disgustedly at the paper. He spins her round.)

Evelyn: Rafe, I want you to meet my friends. This is Meiko, Yukiko, Norika… Oops! I mean, Martha, Barbara, Sandra, and –

Betty: Hi! I'm Betty! (Shakes Rafe's hand. I'd wash that later, m'girl.) Would you happen to have any friends?

Rafe: Take your pick! (Gestures to the rest of the rejects, who look stunned.)

Betty: Oh! Hi!

* * *

(The group are now in a club. People are dancing. Rafe is laughing at a joke he doesn't understand, ignoring Evelyn. By the bar, Tony nicks a glass of alcohol from a passing waitress – one with an alarmingly short skirt.)

Tony: (To Sandra.) I hope this war never catches up with us, 'cause I wanna make you mine, you dirty minx.

Sandra: OK, well, there's every possibility the Japs will launch a raid against Pearl Harbour.

Tony: OK, that was a bad line.

Red: (To Betty, who is dancing with Martha.) Hi, I'm Rrrrred. Red Sssssstrange.

Betty: Your last name's Strange?

Red: No, it's Winkle! (What the actual hell.)

Betty: Haha!

Martha: She's all yours, soldier!

Billy: Red is such a ladies' man! (No, he isn't.)

Betty: Do you always stutter, snort and spit?

Red: No, only when I'm nnnnnnnnnnnnnn –

Betty: What?

Red: Nnnervous!

Billy: She's totally buying it! Why can't I get something like that?

Sandra: (To Danny.) Hi.

Danny: Hello. (Sneezes violently.)

Sandra: Ooh. (Shuffles away.)

Evelyn: Danny seems kinda shy around the girls.

Rafe: It's not that he's shy, he's just nervous.

Evelyn: _Right_… How do you to know each other?

Rafe: We come from the same place. Tennessee. I grew up with him. He's like ma brother, ma right hand.

Evelyn: Which at the moment is a long way south of my waist.

Rafe: Guess I lost a little altitude. (This line just makes me cringe. Ugh.)

Evelyn: Yeah, I guess you did, you sleazy bastard.

Barbara: Excuse me. (Gets her compact out of her bag. Tony slides the clove oil to Billy. Oh jeez, they're really going ahead with that plan, aren't they?)

Billy: (Puts waaaay too much on.) You and me, we gotta talk.

Evelyn: So, the rumour is that the Navy's shipping us to Pearl Harbour. (Oho, how convenient.) Maybe the Army'll send you guys there too?

Rafe: I don't know. They don't tell us much, and when they do, I don't understand it. Anyway, it's as far away from the fighting as you can get. (Well, the fighting in Europe.) You'll get a suntan!

Evelyn: I burn.

Rafe: Oh…

Billy: (To Barbara.) You are… a woman. I mean, a super special woman, and well… God! (Wipes his eyes.) They're training me to be a big bad warrior (You are not Ajax, dear.) and (Starts crying, and wipes his eyes.) something might happen to me and I don't wanna die! (Flings himself at Barbara. She looks disgusted.) We need to make tonight super special so I can remember you if I die!

Barbara: Why are you crying?

Billy: I don't wanna die! I might never see your face again! Or the rest of you!

Barbara: Oh, dry your eyes, toots. Tonight you're mine.

Evelyn: I don't wanna be with the crowd tonight.

Rafe: I don't know if I understand that.

Evelyn: I wanna be alone, with you.

Rafe: How can you be alone when I'm with you?

Evelyn: (Under breath.) Oh my God…

Rafe: Well, how does New York harbour by moonlight sound? (Terrible.)

Evelyn: It's a new moon. (Rafe looks confused.)

* * *

Evelyn: (Running through the dock with Rafe. He unhooks a chain leading to the boats.) I hope you're not gonna be a bad influence?

Rafe: Erm… (Under breath.) Dunno what that means… (Normal voice.) Of course! Now let's use this boat, 'cause we're, er, officers of the US Government!

Evelyn: Not for long we won't be! (They walk over to a boat and untie it.)

Random man: Hey! Where d'ya think you're going with that boat?

Rafe: Get in, Evleyn! (They jump in. The man starts firing at them. Rafe finds a machine-gun under the seat and returns fire.) Drive Evelyn!

Evelyn: It's a _boat_, not a car!

Rafe: Just go! (The boat roars off.)

Evelyn: (As they pass a huge ship, which should be painted in troop ship colours, but no, this is _Pearl Harbour_ and everything is wrong.) Someday we'll take a trip on a boat like that.

Rafe: You're in the Navy, you should know it's called a ship.

Evelyn: Shut up. (Sighs.) We could walk into the Grand Saloon, and nobody's talking about war, they're just dancing to music by… somebody.

Rafe: I'll have to get a tux. (Zooms out.) Evelyn, what's a tux?

Evelyn: God's sake, Rafe, don't you know anything? (They clamber onto a platform-thing.)

Rafe: All aboard!

Evelyn: We're not on a train, Rafe.

Rafe: Well, sit down anyway. Now, let's see here… Does this say 'up'?

Evelyn: No, it says 'down'.

Rafe: This one?

Evelyn: No, that's 'stop'.

Rafe: This one?

Evelyn: That's rope, Rafe. Oh, let me do it. (She pushes him out of the way and pulls the lever. The platform ascends.)

Rafe: Well, this is as close as I could get you to your ship, so at least I tried, huh?

Evelyn: (Sitting with her arms folded.) Yeah, sure.

Rafe: I think it's better.

Evelyn: Hmm? (Rafe kisses her as the music swells and the audience vomit. This is not what they paid to see.) What's gonna become of us all, Rafe?

Rafe: I don't know what that means, so I'm gonna say something clever soundin'. Erm… the future's not exactly in our hands, is it? (They kiss again, and Rafe pushes the lever with his elbow. Wow, this was predictable. The platform plummets towards the water, perhaps a metaphor for the success of this film? Rafe falls in.)

Evelyn: (Not looking concerned at all.) Oh, no.

Rafe: Help me, I can't swim! Help, Evelyn!

Evelyn: (Laughs evilly.) Sorry, my shoes will get wet!

Rafe: (Manages to pull himself onto the platform.) Whoo! That was not part of the date!

* * *

(On a street. Sleazy music is playing. Rafe and Evelyn are in a taxi.)

Rafe: Here, let me help you.

Evelyn: Oh, thank you! (Under his guidance, she trips in a drain, and falls over the kerb.) You bumbling oaf!

Barbara: (On a balcony.) Evelyn!

Billy: Guys, c'mon up! We're in 325!

Rafe: There's something I gotta tell ya.

Evelyn: Oh, no. You haven't got chlamydia, have you?

Rafe: Erm, I don't think so. (To himself.) I better ask Danny what this is. (To Evelyn.) Ooh, OK. Erm…

Evelyn: This can't be good, or it wouldn't be so hard to say…

Rafe: Will you be quiet! This is really hard for me to say. Mainly 'cause I don't know how to say it… Well, I gotta go away.

Evelyn: We're all going away.

Rafe: You don't make sense! Shut up! (Sighs.) I'm going away to the war. Tomorrow. I'm flying with the Eagle Squadron –

Evelyn: Oh, not the 'Mole Squadron'?

Rafe: Shut up! It's an outfit the British set up for American pilots.

Evelyn: I know what it is, dumbass, I'm in the military too. One thing I don't understand… They can't order you to go, right?

Rafe: Oh no, I volunteered. (Smug chin smile.)

Evelyn: You absolute –

Rafe: Hero?

Evelyn: Idiot! Don't you know the first rule of the military? Never volunteer for anything! God!

Rafe: Oh, I'm real sorry. Look, shall we go outside?

Evelyn: We are outside.

Rafe: I mean inside! (They turn and head for the revolving door. However, Rafe can't get his head around them, and manages to get stuck.) Wait a minute, no. I'm sorry. I can't do this. I just… can't do this. I can't. I mean, I want to… I just never learnt how to use those doors! I'm sorry, I need to stop talking. (And huzzah, we are saved from an awkward and uncomfortable sex scene with Baffleck.)

Evelyn: Yeah. Look, even though you are totally… stupid, if I had one more night to live, I'd wanna spend it with you. (Why?)

Rafe: See, that's what I wanna come home to!

Evelyn: Who said you were coming home? (Smiles evilly. Rafe looks disturbed.)

Rafe: Look, would you mind if you didn't come see me off tomorrow? Saying goodbye once is hard enough.

Evelyn: OK, fine.

Rafe: OK?

Evelyn: Yeah. Have this scarf. (She winds a bright pink silk scarf round his neck.)

Rafe: You think it looks good on me?

Evelyn: No, I just wanna get rid of it.

Rafe: Err, OK. I will come back.

Evelyn: Please don't. (Rafe looks confused, but covers himself by kissing her. She pushes him off and walks through the revolving door. She waves, and he tries to return it, but fails miserably. She curls her lip and walks away.)

* * *

_Happy reading, and please review._


	5. Chapter 5

(Danny and Rafe are walking through a train station. Stereotypical extras wander in the background, one woman kneels to buy a rose. OK, then. Rafe is in uniform, whilst Danny is wearing trousers in a delightful shade of brown. Rafe is looking everywhere.)

Danny: What in the name of God are ya doin'?

Rafe: Looking for Evelyn.

Danny: I thought you told her not to come…

Rafe: I did.

Danny: Then why the hell are ya –?

Rafe: It's ma test. If I tell her not to come, and she does anyway, I know she loves me.

Danny: That's not a good test… It sends her mixed signals, which is confusing and mean.

Rafe: Oh, Danny. There's so much I don't know about women. Will ya teach me?

Danny: No.

Rafe: Oh, OK.

Random porter: All aboard! Track 57!

Rafe: (Puts his cap on.) Look, if I don't come back, I want you to be the one who –

Danny: Makes love to her in a parachute hangar?

Rafe: No, tells her.

Danny: OK. Well, make sure you come back for me, and her, then.

Rafe: Yeah. (They hug to some sentimental music for quite some time. I'm guessing this is intended to be a touching moment, which begs the question: Are we supposed to care about these characters? Rafe walks off.)

Danny: Good hunting, Rafe. No, that ain't ma line. (Goddammit Randall Wallace. We're not in a National Geographic documentary.)

Evelyn: (Runs to the information desk. Oh, look! Her hair is up! For once. She slams her hands on the desk.) I lost the game.

Man behind desk: Oh, dammit, ma'am! (Evelyn cackles and runs off towards the platform.)

Rafe: (Having conveniently looked out of the window, sees Evelyn, and bangs his fist on the glass.) Evelyn! Oh ma God, Evelyn! Why won't this door open? Evelyn, Evelyn! (We see her turn dramatically and walk away.) Evelyn? (The train starts to move.) Evelyn! (A man with a snazzy fedora looks at Rafe strangely. He chin smiles.) She loves me.

* * *

(The scene switches to the President's office. Here, the producers are attempting to introduce another plotline to the tangled mess of the film. FDR is wheeled into the office.)

President: Wheeeeee! Again, George, again!

Army chief-of-staff: Er, Mr President, we have a meeting.

President: Oh… Well, be seated, gentlemen. I'm afraid I'm in a bad mood. (He takes a puff from a cigarette, on the end of a rather feminine cigarette holder. Is he channelling the Marlene Dietrich look?) Churchill and Stalin are asking me what I'm asking you. How long are we going to pretend the world is not at war?

Army chief-of-staff: Why are you talking to Stalin? He's allied with Germany. At this point. (He turns to look mysteriously at the camera.)

President: I don't know, I just read the lines they give me. (The poor lady in the corner, whose job it is to type up all this drivel, sighs and rolls her eyes.)

Army chief-of-staff: Anyway, we have increased shipments of food to them, and –

President: What they really need are tanks, planes, bullets and bombs! We're building refrigerators, while our enemies build… other stuff!

* * *

(In Japan. To help the – by now comatose – audience discern this, a taiko drum is beating out a snappy rhythm. Yamamoto and other Japanese officers are talking in a hijacked park – judging by the children playing with kites behind them.)

Yamamoto: Oh, I am so, like, fed up with those Americans. Do you know, like, what they've done now? Gone and put an embargo on our oil!

Other officers: Harsh!

Yamamoto: We have, like, got to do something about it.

Other officers: Totally.

Yamamoto: We should like, totally bomb them at Pearl Harbour.

Other officers: Totally!

Yamamoto: We will totally destroy all their ships!

Other officers: Yeah! (They all high-five.) You is well clever! (They swagger off.)

* * *

(On a ship at Pearl Harbour. Admiral Kimmel is walking along the deck, with the captain.)

Kimmel: Smart pre-sentation, Captain.

Captain: Thank you sir! (Kimmel starts looking around, inspecting the sailors. He stops in front of a butch sailor, and looks him up and down, winking cheekily. Kimmel's aide trots up and hands him a huge file.)

Kimmel: Thank you. (He glances at the cover, and looks up.) Washing-ton has ordered me to send another 6 destroy-ers to the Atlantic. Don't they know what we're facing out here?

Captain: Well, I suppose they think Europe is the greater problem –seeing as they're at war, and we're over here, drinking cocktails in the Hula-Hai Hut with 6 naked native girls on our laps. Anyway, Pearl is too shallow for aerial torpedo attacks (Oh really?) so we only have to worry about sabotage. We've grouped our planes together to make them easier to protect.

Kimmel: That's ge-nius! There's no ways the Japs could come up with a way to make torpe-does work in shallow water! And our planes will never be bombed and completely destroyed because of that tactic! Well, I hope Britain appreciate the destroyers. They're 20 years old, but oh well.

* * *

(A British airfield somewhere in England. RAF pilots and groundcrew are milling around, because the Battle of Britain ended about 4 months prior to this story, and they have nothing to do. Rafe is standing by a big house, two carpet bags in his hands. He smiles to himself at the sight of the Spitfires, and… Hurricanes? What? Surely they wouldn't have both types of aircraft on one squadron?)

Rafe: Lieutenant Rafe McCawley reportin' for duty, sir.

RAF Squadron Leader: (To another officer.) What a ridiculous name… (Returns Rafe's salute.) Well, Pilot Officer –

Rafe: It's Lieutenant.

Squadron Leader: Is it? Well, Pilot Officer, let's get you settled into your quarters and introduce you to the crate – no, wait, I'm not in Bomber Command! Er, to the _aircraft_ you'll be flying.

Rafe: Well, if y'all are patching up bullet holes right here on the… the grass, then maybe we should skip housekeeping and get me straight into an airplane.

Ian (token ginger Scottish guy): 2 didn't come back, sir, Ah counted only 11. (Then 4 more planes fly over his head.) Oh, crrrrap, I cannae count.

Squadron Leader: Are all Yanks eager to get themselves killed, Pilot Officer?

Rafe: Lieutenant. (Sentimental music swells. The camera zooms dramatically onto Rafe's face, lit by the orange glow of the sunset. Wait, I thought it was like, noon a few minutes ago?) No, sir. Not anxious to die, just anxious to matter.

Squadron Leader: Oh, don't get all poetic on me, for God's sake! (They reach Rafe's 'crate'.) Well, this is yours. Good chap. Didn't die till he landed and shut down his engine. (The cockpit is splattered in blood.)

Rafe: Yeah, but why have you guys put tomato sauce all over the glass? It's not very good camouflage, is it?

Squadron Leader: (Looks at him in disbelief.) It's blood, Pilot Officer. Welcome to the war. (Walks away.)

Rafe: I think I'm gonna be sick. (Turns and runs after the Squadron Leader.) Hey, wait, where do I sleep?

* * *

(On a ferry going to Pearl Harbour. Evelyn and the other nurses are on board, sitting still. The ferry isn't even moving. That's special effects for you.)

Evelyn: This is so exciting… (They all sigh in unison.)

Betty: Yeah…

Barbara: Hey, I wonder how many sailors there are on Pearl?

Sandra: Well, there's more on a battleship than a sub, obviously! (Snorts.) But I'd say, on average, about 2000? If there are about 100 ships, then we're looking at about 200,000!

Barbara: Yeah, but then you got the pilots, Marines, base personnel…

Martha: I wonder how many we can kill…? (Evil smile.)

Evelyn: I think the odds are in our favour.

Betty: (Puts on some snazzy sunglasses. Snazzy? I was joking.) It's paradise!

Barbara: (Screeches.) See ya on the beach, boys!

Sailor: (Turns to his friends.) Ooh, I don't think so, dar-ling!

Barbara: We're in Hawaii!

Martha: Well done…

* * *

(A USAAF base somewhere in Hawaii. A mechanic called Earl is talking to a pilot – though you'd never believe it – called Gooz. I though they stopped calling people Gooz after Top Gun?)

Earl: What in the hell are ya doin'?

Joe: Hey, Gooz, it says here: 'Never ride waves among submerged rocks'. See, it says ya shouldn't do that.

Earl: What are you doin'?

Gooz: How d'ya know they're submerged if they're submnerged?

Joe: Good point…

Gooz: Oi! What're ya doin'?

Joe: He's working on his new invention –

Gooz: Hey, it's my story! I'm working on my new invention. I came in on my day off.

Joe: He keeps takin' chunks outta his nose –

Gooz: On the rocks. Hey, I told ya once, fella! It's called the Gooz Cruise Fin. Every surfboard in the nation's gonna need one.

Earl: You're gonna need a broom. Oh, God, who are these new recruits? (Danny, Red, Billy and Tony approach, carrying suitcases.)

Danny: Hi!

Earl: (Saluting.) Alo-ha!

Danny: Y'all pilots?

Gooz: (As Earl sighs.) Ah, we're workin' on it. There's a lotta switches 'n' stuff.

Billy: Oh, I know. So confusing.

Gooz: (Chuckles.) Pride of the Pacific!

Earl: Who're you?

Danny: (Grins.) Terrors of the skies… (Oh _Lord_, who wrote this damn film?)

* * *

(At the Navy hospital. Evelyn and her nurse friends have arrived, and watch another nurse dealing with a horrifically wounded man - he is sunburnt. His screams of anguish echo around the polished and scrubbed ward, whilst his comrades watch helplessly from the side, tears pouring silently down their face…OK, that's enough.)

Nurse: Welcome, ladies!

Nurses: Konichiwa… Oops! We mean, er, hi!

Nurse: I have to deal with Coastie's sunburnt rump before I can show you around! (She smacks his butt for no apparent reason, and he yells out in pain. Evelyn and Martha exchange evil grins, whilst the other nurses clap their hands excitedly.)

* * *

_Hope you enjoyed!_


	6. Chapter 6

(In England, Rafe is battling away in the skies. This is now becoming AU, because for goodness' sake, the RAF was not engaged in daytime battles with the Luftwaffe in January 1941. Well, anyway, get ready for a tedious letter writing narrative. One thing, though – how'd Rafe manage to write these letters when he can't tell a 'C' from a 'J'?)

Rafe: Dear, er, Evelyn. Hello. It's a bit different than I thought it'd be here. It's not like anywhere I've ever been, mainly 'cause I haven't been here before. It's cold. So cold… it goes… deep into your bones… But there's one place I can go to find warmth… (Shot of Evelyn in a random lighthouse.) and that is the boiler room. (Shot of Rafe in a plane.) It's not easy making friends, especially when they think you're dumb. I think they talk about me behind ma back, it's upsetting! Oh, wait, they get killed too. (Rafe shoots down a German 'baindit'. Shot changes to Hawaii.)

Evelyn: Dear Rafe. I can't understand your letters. The words don't make sense and they're all jumbled up! You said you had troubles with your letters, but I didn't know it was as bad as all that! Jeez! I'm not sure you're going to be able to understand even this, so I'm enclosing a note telling someone to read it out to you. Anyway, I miss you, strangely enough. It's odd to be half a world away from you… Well, not really, I've only known you for 5 weeks! (Back to England.)

Rafe: I'm right on his tail! (Fires his gun.) Got one!

Pilot: Red 1, shut up! We're supposed to be on radio silence! Get off the bloody intercom!

Rafe: Sorry, I didn't know it was on… (Aaand over to Hawaii. It is sunset. Evelyn is sitting in a random field. Does she ever do any work?)

Evelyn: Every night I look at the sunset, and try to draw the last ounce of heat from its long day and send it from my heart to yours. I know you said you had that boiler room, but it's the thought that counts, right? (Back to England. Shot of Rafe sitting on a bench, pen in hand. His tongue is sticking out in concentration and frustration. The British Squadron Leader comes up behind him, holding a pint of beer.)

Squadron Leader: Falimy? (He is drunk.)

Rafe: No, sir. It's ma girl. _The_ girl. Look, sir, how d'ya spell 'miss'?

Squadron Leader: Erm, 'm', 'i', 's', 's'. (Rafe writes 'm', 'i', 'z', 'z'. The Brit looks at him and shrugs.) I'd just like to say, a lot of Yanks, no, wait a minute! A lot of people… frown… upon the Yanks for… for not being in the home. No, no, no, that's not right. Not being in the… in the… war. Well, I think that… if there are many more back in America like you… God help anyone who goes to war with you! (He slurps his beer, spills a little on Rafe's flying suit, whacks Rafe on the shoulder and lurches off.)

Rafe: (Confused chin smile. It soon turns to a frown.) I don't know if I understand that…

* * *

(A ship at Pearl Harbour. Kimmel is talking to some Navy officers.)

Kimmel: Goddammit! I'm all cheesed off about those destroy-ers. I'm supposed to defend our country with this? (Gestures to the entire Pacific fleet, which stretches as far as the eye can see.) Cover half the damn globe?

Officer: We've told you time and time again, Admiral. Pearl is in no danger…

Kimmel: You analysts got it all figured out, dontcha? The smart enemy hits you where you think you're safe!

* * *

(Japan. Yamamoto and the officers are watching a demonstration in a small paddling pool, with fish and whales and starfish around the side. A man is drumming behind them.)

Yamamoto: What the hell are you doing?

Drummer: Sorry. I thought, like, you wanted some inspirational music? (Yamamoto rolls his eyes and turns back to the paddling pool.)

Officer: Look at the ships, they're like, grouped. Perfect targets, innit? (Yamamoto nods.) Over here, basically, we've fixed up the torpedoes with, like, wooden fins, so they can go through shallow water.

Yamamoto: That torpedo is hench! When they're all, like, asleep, we'll bomb 'em. Yeah?

Officers: Innit!

* * *

(England. Aircraft are taking off, and an air-raid siren/ scrambling bell is sounding. Pilots are sprinting across the grass to their planes, their batmen trotting after them with silk scarves and Brylcreem. Among the pilots is Rafe, who tilts his head to catch his blonde highlights in the sun. Ian, the Scottish mechanic, is running after him.)

Ian: Ah've fixed the undercarriage lever, but the hydraaaaulics, electrical systems and oil systems need attention.

Rafe: I don't know if I understand that… Oh, Ian, just crank it!

Ian: If you say so, sir. Godspeed. (Rafe slams the hood shut, obviously having a hissy fit. The Spitfires are flying over the coast. There is an impromptu rendition of 'There'll Be Bluebirds Over The White Cliffs of Dover' from the pilots.)

Squadron Leader: Red section, take the bombers! (Lalalalaaa! They wouldn't be attacking in daylight in January 1941, lalalalaaaa.) Blue section, look out for fighters!

Rafe: Which section am I in?

Squadron Leader: Red! That's why you're called Red 1!

Rafe: OK. Well, I see bombers, dead ahead!

Pilot: So do the rest of us, Red 1! We're not blind!

Rafe: (Looks upset.) Let's drop in on 'em and give 'em a reception!

Pilot: Shut up! (The Spitfires head towards the German aeroplanes.)

Rafe: Right, Red 2, follow me and go straight at the lead bomber!

Red 2: Following you, Red 1!

Squadron Leader: You don't have authority to give orders!

Rafe: Sorry… (The two of them head at the bomber. Red 2 gets in a hit and the bomber explodes.) Good hit! Good hit!

Squadron Leader: Get _off_ the bloody radio! (The Spitfires head around and Rafe goes for the middle bomber.)

Rafe: I have the middle bomber! Hammer down! (He fires.) Bang, bang, bang! (The bomber explodes.) Got it!

Squadron Leader: How many times do we have to tell you? Shut up!

Rafe: Sorry, it's just I always have to sound ma actions out, so I know and understand what I am doing.

Squadron Leader: God help us…

Rafe: I got 2 ME's dead ahead! I'm on him, I'm on his tail! Boom, boom! Firepower! Bang, bang, bang, bang, hammer down! (The ME is blown to pieces.) Yeah, I got him! (Rafe fires at another aircraft.) Bang, bang! I got another one!

Red 2: Red 1, you've got fighters all over you!

Rafe: Oh, God!

Squadron Leader: What is it? Are you hit?

Rafe: No, I need a new pair of panties…

Squadron Leader: Well, then, get off the bloody radio. (The fighters fire on Rafe.)

Rafe: I'm under fire, I'm taking fire!

Red 2: We know that, we warned you about it!

Squadron Leader: Get out of there, Red 1! Pull up! It's not that hard! (Rafe gets hit. Standing ovation from the audience.)

Rafe: Aaaagh! Aaargh!

Red 2: What is it now?

Rafe: I got an oil leak! (He puts on his goggles, which he should have had on anyway.) Aaaagh! It's on fire, I'm on fire! I can't get out! The doors won't open, help me! Mayday! (He shoots the canopy, like it's going to make a big difference, and punches the glass.) Oh ma God… (The Spitfire hits the water to a round of applause and cheers from the viewers.)

* * *

_OK, funny story. When me and my best gal are bored in class, we write each other letters as Rafe and Evelyn, Rafe and Danny, Martha and Evelyn, or Evelyn and Gooz... I have them all bundled up in my drawer, and read them when I'm upset. Never fails to cheer me up! They're utterly mad, but funny!_

_I would have added some of the Rafe/Evelyn ones into the letter-writing montage, but I couldn't find a way to fit them in, so never mind! _


	7. Chapter 7

(We are now in the sunny idyll of Hawaii. Everything is perfectly beautiful and calm, that is, until a swarm of Dementors swoop down over the hospital… I am kidding. The nurses are on their way to church.)

Betty: I'm no good at church.

Sandra: (Viciously.) What do you mean, sweetie?

Betty: Well, whenever I'm up there getting my slate wiped clean, I can't help but think of new ways to kill the soldiers! (Nurses laugh.)

Martha: Wow. And this from someone who's never fired a gun.

Evelyn: I'm gonna go poison the supplies.

Nurses: Woo! Yeah, you go, girl!

Betty: She's not really going to. Sundays she writes Rafe. (Haha, this is supposed to be dramatic irony, yeah?) 10 pages instead of the usual 5. (_10_ pages? What the hell does she talk about?)

Barbara: Oh, no! She might have actually…

Martha: (Gasps.) Fallen in love?

Barbara: Uh huh… (Nurses look distressed. Just then, providing a means for the plot to move along, thank God, Tony and Red appear in a car.)

Tony: (Winks at Sandra.) Hey sweetheart. (How has he not been slapped yet? Sandra growls and struts away.) She hates me. (We all do.)

Betty: (Trotting over to the car.) Hey, Red, it's nice to see you.

Red: Sure nice to see you too, Bbbbbetty. D'ya wanna come for a ride?

Betty: What kinda ride? (Winks.)

Red: Erm, a ccccccar ride?

Betty: (Looks disappointed.) OK, sure. (She gets in the back with Red.)

Tony: Yeah, yeah, I'll be your chauffeur…

* * *

(On a deck of a ship. A huge mechanic and a cook are boxing. A large crowd is gathered around them, cheering and shouting. Danny and Gooz, the new BFF's, are watching too.)

Dorie's friend: Thattaboy! Be a man-dawg!

Mechanic: You hit pretty good… for a cook.

Ensemble behind Dorie: (Snapping their fingers.) Oh, no, you di-uhn't!

Gooz: Alright, Walker, who ya got? C'mon, fight's almost over!

Danny: (Pained face.) I'll take the cook.

Gooz: Why? You don't like money? (On the deck, the mechanic punches Dorie again. He falls against the wire, but gets up.)

Danny: I'll put 5 on it.

Gooz: Done. Huh. Against a mechanic? That guys craps rivets… (Ouch.)

Dorie: How's it feel bein' up from that dark, oily engine room? Sunlight bothering ya? (He gets punched in the face.) Ow!

Dorie's friend: Oh, he getting' all busted up in there! (Gooz is making obscene faces and punching his fists in the air. The bell rings.) Come over here, we gotta talk! Get down here! He can't hurt us.

Dorie: He can hurt us! He cut us! We bleedin'! (Are we supposed to refer to us as plural now? See what I did there.)

Dorie's friend: Bleedin'? Das a scratch! Look at this – this is the hard-earned greenbacks of every dish-washing, pot-scrubbing chop in this here fleet! (Translator to Aisle 3, please…) If we don't win, I'm gonna have to find mysel' another battleship!

Dorie: Don't worry 'bout the money. I'mma send that smug, engine-fixing cracker boy back down below deck where he belong. (Bell rings.)

Dorie's friend: You the man! He slapped ya mamma, remember? Be a son-uva-bitch! (Dorie punches the mechanic repeatedly, and in the background, we see officers joining in the fun. Wow, they're real good on discipline, aren't they?!)

Danny: Alright, look at this! Yeah! (Dorie keeps fighting, and the mechanic stumbles, falling to his knees. Gooz shakes his head as the mechanic passes out.) Oh, yeah, where's ma money!

Gooz: Nah, fight's rigged.

Danny: Aww, Goo-ooz! It's only 5 dollars, that's really mean… (Looks extremely upset.)

* * *

(The hospital. Dorie is sitting in a room, with Evelyn stitching up his 'scratch'. It is a huge gash, almost the length of his face. Blood is pouring from his head. Suddenly, Evelyn's eyes grow black and fangs appear out from her blood red lips. She strikes… Yes! We have a crossover! Randall Wallace is officially declared insane! The films ends here! Or not…)

Evelyn: How'd you get this?

Dorie: Boxing.

Evelyn: Did you win?

Dorie: Yes, ma'am.

Evelyn: What do you get for winning?

Dorie: Respect. (Is he limiting himself to monosyllabic answers?)

Evelyn: (To herself.) Not much of a prize… (She finishes and they walk out together.) So why do you have to fight with your fists to get respect?

Dorie: 'Cause I'm black, ma'am. See, I joined the Navy to become a man, but they made me a cook. I even clean up after other sailors eat. I just wanted to fire some guns, you know? (Sniffs.)

Evelyn: Well, let's hope you never have to. (She whips her head round to stare at the camera. She cackles. Ooh! Foreshadowing!)

Dorie: Yes, ma'am.

Evelyn: Take care, Petty Officer Miller.

Dorie: You too, ma'am. (He walks away as a car draws up outside the hospital. Danny gets out, uncharacteristically solemn. Pahahaa. Evelyn briefly smiles, but stops when Danny looks up. They now have to act in slow motion. Somehow, the look on Danny's face tells Evelyn that Rafe is dead. Or it could be because he is wearing a sandwich board with the words 'Rafe is dead' on?)

* * *

(In a garden, somewhere in Hawaii. Danny and Evelyn are sat together, and Danny is sobbing.)

Danny: You know he taught to me fly? I always thought I'd never be in it alone, he'd be with me, but I… (Pained face.) I guess I was wrong… (His pained face gets worse.)

Evelyn: Are you having trouble with your stomach, Danny?

Danny: No, I'm upset.

Evelyn: Oh…

Danny: You know, I thought I could rely on him to get me outta trouble. You see, I'm not actually a good pilot…

Evelyn: Oh, no, you mustn't think that. I'm sure you're great. Rafe told me that. (And just because she has to stir things up…) The same night he told me he volunteered to go to England.

Danny: Volunteered? He told me he'd been assigned.

Evelyn: Guess he lied to you… (Shrugs.)

Danny: Well, he was always trying t' protect me. He was good like that. (He puts his head on Evelyn's shoulder and starts howling. She looks vaguely disgusted.)

* * *

(In the Hula-Hai Hut. Danny is pouring Rafe's picture a drink, watched by the pilots – half of which have never met the guy – and the nurses, who only saw him once or twice. They all have shot glasses, filled with very pale whisky… Suspiciously pale…)

Danny: To Rafe McCawley… The best pilot, and the best friend I ever knew. Or ever will know…

Pilots: Oh, thanks Danny…

Gooz: (To Red.) He wouldn't be talkin' 'bout you, anyway.

Red: Sssssay that again, you ssssssnivelling piece of –

Betty: Red!

Gooz: You callin' me a snivelling piece of –?

Billy: Hey, try lookin' us in the eye while you're sayin' that!

Danny: Guys! (They stop bickering and turn to look at him. He is clutching his shot glass with silent tears pouring down his face. Oh, don't worry! Rafe comes back soon!) Have a little sympathy, please!

Pilots: Yeah, sorry…

Danny: (Inaudible whisper.) To Rafe. (They all drink, including Evelyn, though she only takes a sip. Seconds after, she gags and spits it out.)

Evelyn: God, Danny! Is this your own urine?!

Danny: I already drank the whisky, so I had to improvise. (She stares at him in disbelief. He looks at her.) You drinkin' that? (Evelyn shakes her head at him, and silently hands her shot glass over.)

* * *

_Erm, yeah. I might add a little disclaimer here: I, we, mean no disrespect to any of the real historical figures portrayed in this film. We're only taking the mick out of the film itself. _

_Enjoy reading, and Happy New Year's Eve!_


	8. Chapter 8

(On the Japanese carrier. The Japanese, looking remarkably like Oompa-Loompas in their white coveralls, are moving about in the background.)

Yamamoto: We is getting along well good, ain't we? Make sure, like, that high-level bombing and torpedo attack training is well fine, yeah!

Genda: If we, like, surprise 'em, they won't shoot back, innit.

Yamamoto: Tell ya what. Get teams of, like, radio operators to send messages that the Americans will, like, intercept, chatting about every target in the oceans. Make sure Hawaii is, you know, included.

Genda: That is well clever!

Yamamoto: You calling me a geek?

* * *

(Washington D.C., Naval Intelligence Department. A small, smoke-filled room.)

Captain Thurman: Look at this, look at this, look at this! The Japanese are flooding the Pacific with radio traffic. You heard me? Radio traffic. Radio traffic!

Officer: Yeah, alright. Well, it looks like there's no logic in it.

Thurman: No, no, no, no. There's always logic, always. They know we read their mail, they're trying to make us think their fleet is moving south. South. I'm not buying it. Something, something's up! D'ya hear me? Something is up! Otherwise, why would they take the trouble to bullshit, yes, bullshit me!

* * *

(Danny is flying over the air base, incorrectly dressed, gently crying. The plane lands and comes to a halt on the tarmac. Danny shuts off the engine and pulls back the canopy. His crying gets louder, and then he starts wailing and screaming and hitting the plane with his fists in emotional torment. He stops abruptly, gets out of the plane and walks away.)

* * *

(The nurses' house. Evelyn is quietly sobbing in her bed as Betty looks over at her, rolling her eyes. Suddenly, Evelyn sits up in bed, starts howling, and throws her pillows and cushions across the room. Betty stares at her. Evelyn stops crying, sinks back on her pillows and starts snoring. The scene switches to the next morning. Sandra brings in a bundle of letters for Evelyn, who has just come out of the shower wearing a kimono.)

Sandra: Ev, I signed for these letters for you today… They're from England.

Evelyn: They're from Rafe.

Sandra: I don't know, open them and find out!

Evelyn: (Opens the letters.) Yes, they are.

Sandra: Oh, I'm sorry, Ev. You know how long it takes for mail to get here! (Evelyn sniffs and walks away. The scene now shows Evelyn sitting on a rock with Rafe's letters. She holds up the ball of paper he 'folded' her and sighs.)

* * *

(Three months later. Outside a cinema. People are running in. On the screen, the newsreel is playing.)

Narrator: America stills awaits Japan's response to peace proposals. (Random shot of Danny eating popcorn.) The Japanese ambassador arrives in Washington to hopefully guarantee continued peace in the Pacific. On the British front, Churchill declares, "Give us the tools and we will finish the job!" (He did, but about three months previous… Ah well. The newsreel shows British aircraft being shot down, and Danny starts swallowing, blinking furiously and fanning his face to stop himself crying. Evelyn is breathing heavily, because, oh what a coincidence, they're in the same cinema!) The Royal Air Force has fought bravely against Hitler's ambition to rule the skies… (Both Danny and Evelyn leave before the film has even started.) … Victory does not come without sacrifice.

Danny: Evelyn!

Evelyn: Danny!

Danny: Hey.

Evelyn: Some comedy, huh?

Danny: No, that was just the news.

Evelyn: Right… I haven't seen you in ages.

Danny: Yeah, I've been logging a lot of flight hours.

Evelyn: I've kinda been avoiding you too. (Wow. How charming.)

Danny: No, seriously, I have actually been busy.

Evelyn: Yeah. Anyway…

Both: D'ya wanna go…? (Evelyn giggles, but it isn't very funny.)

Danny: Shall we?

Evelyn: Er, yeah, sure. (I don't know why you're hesitating, love, you were all up for it a second ago. They walk off in the wrong direction, then walk back again, as the café is next to the cinema…)

* * *

(In the café. Danny and Evelyn have a window seat.)

Danny: I remember this one time when I was about five – no, wait, that's not the story I wanna tell. Er, when I was about seven, that's it, seven, I was always building these gadgets and things, you know, like paper airplanes! Anyway, Rafe wanted me to build him some wings, so he could fly. (Oh dear Lord…) And I told him you can't fly without some kinda engine or whatever! (Years of training at the expense of the American taxpayer, and _that's_ what he gets?) He told me, "Danny, never mind all that, build 'em anyway!" So I did. (Cheesy grin. Is this supposed to be heartwarming?) He was pretty persuasive. So, anyway, next thing I know, we're up on the barn roof and I'm strapping these big ol' wings on his back, and I told him, "You can't jump off the barn in these." And he just went 'wham'! And he busted his leg on the backhoe.

Evelyn: God, I miss him. (Why?!)

Danny: Wait a sec, I haven't finished my story! He went up there the next day, cast and all, and told me to make some adjustments on those wings.

Evelyn: … Was that it?

Danny: … Yeah.

* * *

(Cut to Billy, Barbara, Red, and Betty at the 'Crossroads to the Pacific'.)

Billy: Wow!

Red: Yeah, Crossroads to the PPPPacific!

Billy: That's great. Tahiti, 1700 miles! Alright! (He pulls Barbara across the road, though not without stopping, looking, and listening before. Safety first, kids. Red looks up at the sign, then at Betty.)

Red: Say, Betty. (He gets down on one knee.) W… w… w… wwww… (Betty gets down beside him.)

Betty: What's going on? (Jeez, girl, he's down _on one knee_ in front of you! What do you _think_ is going on?!)

Red: No, get up; you're not supposed to do that. (Oh good, someone's seeing sense.)

Betty: What do you mean? (Are you really _that_ stupid, dear?)

Red: Ggggggget up! (She obliges, then gasps as she _finally_ realises what he's trying to do.) Betty…

Billy: Red, come on! We've got… Oh no, you're trying to propose, that's great… You know, I saw this coming.

Barbara: Come on, I'm hungry. (Nasal laugh.)

Red: Can a guy propose?!

* * *

(Back to the café.)

Danny: Sorry, I'm talking too much. Sometimes I do that. (Billy, Barbara, Red, and Betty walk past.)

Barbara: Oh, look at this! Hey! (Nasal laugh. Evelyn and Danny do their little waves and the gang walk off. Danny looks up at Evelyn and does a guilty grin. For what? you may ask. I don't know either. It's not as if they were caught snogging in a parachute hangar or anything…)

Evelyn: Well, I guess I should go.

Danny: Oh, OK.

Evelyn: Are you gonna offer to walk me home?

Danny: Er – sure. Do you want me to walk you home?

Evelyn: No, I'm fine.

Danny: Sure. (She gets up.)

Evelyn: See you around.

Danny: Don't let it be three months before I see you again, OK?

Evelyn: No, OK. (Grimaces.) Bye.

Danny: Bye! (He stands up as she leaves. And they say chivalry is dead… He sits down, and notices that she has left her handkerchief behind. Oho, how convenient.)

Waitress: That'll be fifteen dollars.

Danny: What? Oh… We wanted separate bills! (Waitress just stares him down, chewing her gum slowly. Danny puts the money on the table with a pout.)

* * *

(Scene switches to Danny walking up to the nurses' quarters by the hospital. I'm not quite sure how he managed to get in. He's not in uniform, and surely the security measures around the female quarters would have been rather stringent? Hmm. Anyway, he's fiddling with Evelyn's handkerchief.)

Danny: I was just wondering if I gave you a call, I could come by sometime, or we could grab some pie… (Looks at his pink glittery watch, which shows eleven o'clock at night.) You're crazy. (He acknowledges that this is a bad time, but still runs up to the door and knocks. Evelyn appears after a while, wearing a red kimono.) Oh, God, sorry, you were asleep!

Evelyn: Danny? What? No, we're just having a meeting… (Sandra appears behind her, wearing a kimono too, a piece of paper and a calligraphy brush in her hand.)

Sandra: Who is it? Oh! (Rushes off.)

Evelyn: It's just Danny –

Danny: Hi! (Waves at Sandra's retreating back.) Erm, sorry, I didn't want to, sorry, it's just you forgot… this… (Holds out handkerchief.) I thought you might need it, you know, tomorrow, at work.

Evelyn: Danny, I have about ten others…

Danny: Yeah, well, I thought you might be attached to it or something.

Evelyn: (Takes it from him slowly.) It was good of you to take the trouble to drop it by… now.

Danny: (Doesn't take hint.) You're welcome. (Toothy grin.) Look, if I gave you a call, could I come by sometime?

Evelyn: Shhh!

Danny: Sorry! (Whispers) Could I come by sometime, once… maybe… if you're not busy?

Evelyn: Maybe… Look, it's rather later, and we want to wrap this meeting up.

Danny: Oh, sure. Goodnight.

Evelyn: Goodnight.

Danny: (To himself.) You were such an idiot.

Evelyn: Yes. Yes, you were. (Shuts door.)

* * *

(In the hospital. Evelyn is strutting down the corridor with a tray of bandages and boxes. The other nurses are, unsurprisingly, not doing anything, and are sitting on the beds in one of the wards.)

Sandra: Hey, Ev!

Barbara: Did you have fun last night?

Evelyn: (Slams the tray down.) It wasn't how it looked, OK?! We weren't doing anything! Who says a guy and a gal can't be friends? Why don't you just get off my back? No, don't give me that look –

Barbara: I wasn't giving you any look –

Evelyn: – because I'm telling the truth, OK? We were just hanging out! Leave me alone!

Barbara: It was a genuine question…

Evelyn: Oh. Oh, OK. Well, yes, I did have fun. But it still wasn't how it looked.

Sandra: And even if it was, it'd be OK. You've got to move on.

Evelyn: I am moving on…

Betty: No, you're not. You still write letters to Rafe, and you cry when you think I'm asleep.

Evelyn: (Points finger at Betty.) Shut it!

Sandra: Look, Ev, it's been months. Well, 3 months and 2 weeks to be exact!

Betty: (Shoots Sandra an exasperated look.) Look, Ev, when my dad left…

Evelyn: I don't wanna hear your sob story, Betty.

Betty: I was just going to say you may think this is the worst thing that's happened to you, but you don't know where it'll lead… (Falters under a stare from Evelyn.) Er – the Navy… I met Red and now he's my fiancé!

Evelyn: Oh, Betty. How nice.

Barbara: (Takes a swig from a whisky bottle.) Little Betty beat us all to the post… (Just then, Martha enters the ward with some nurses.)

Martha: This is Ward 3. As you can see, no patients. (Yet.) Come on, I'll show you the bar.

Barbara: Sandra! New recruits to torture! Hey ladies! (She and Sandra scoot down the ward.)

Betty: You gotta go on living, Ev. (Wow. They hug. Betty sees Red over Evelyn's shoulder.) Red! (She runs towards him, jumps up and wraps her legs around his waist, and knocks him over.)

Red: Hello, honnnnnneybunny!

Betty: Coocheybear!

Red: Ttttttumptydumpling! (Evelyn is watching them disgustedly. I would be too.)

* * *

(Evelyn is in her bedroom. She has the letters from Rafe in a bundle. His illegible scrawl is visible on the envelopes. She puts them under some clothes in her drawer.)

Evelyn: Bye, Rafe… (She sighs. The audience sighs – though probably not for the same reason.)

* * *

(At the Hula-Hai Hut. Danny walks in and takes a seat at the bar, in front of Rafe's picture and glass of 'whisky'.)

Danny: Hey buddy. (The barman comes over.) Erm, whisky, please. Better make that a double. Actually, just give me the whole bottle. (The barman moves off.) So, Rafe. Sorry I haven't been in for a while, I've been logging a lot of flight hours. Man, I really miss ya. It's just not the – oh, thank you – it's just not the same without you. I'm so lonely, Rafe! Why did you have to go, Rafe? Why? Why? (Danny scrambles over the bar and peers at Rafe's picture, sobbing.) Why d'ya leave me, huh? I miss you so much! So much! (He sinks to the floor, then crawls up the wall and looks at Rafe's picture again.) Rafe… I don't know if I can go on without you… But I have to… I've got to move on… Sorry… (With trembling hands, he drinks the glass of whisky, and leaves without paying, crying.)

* * *

(Washington D.C. Naval Intelligence. Lots of naval officers are drinking.)

Admiral: Right, fellas, let's get down to business. (They put their glasses away and a man starts up a film. It shows an empty harbour.)

Officer 1: The Japanese fleet is missing. This footage was shot a few days ago. (Another shot of the footage showing an empty harbour. Yes, we get it. The fleet is missing. Are you going to have it in Braille, now?) What are we doing to find them?

Officer 2: We're sending scout planes in wider vectors across the Pacific, but they could be anywhere around here. (Gestures to the entire Pacific Ocean on the map.) No sign of them yet.

Officer 1: I don't see how an entire fleet can just disappear… (Shot of the fleet moving towards Pearl Harbour.)

* * *

_Sorry this has been so long - I have had loads of schoolwork and exams. But now the summer is ahead of me, so hopefully I can finish this parody! Thanks for your reviews, they make my day. Enjoy!_


	9. Chapter 9

(An aircraft hangar. Danny, Red, Billy, Tony, and Gooz are testing the guns on one of the aircraft.)

Danny: Clear! (He fires. The pilots are crouching under the aircraft, covering their ears.) Oh, no, that won't do! We got one cross-eyed and one camel-toed! (_What_.) Anthony, tap in number six.

Tony: Yeah.

Danny: Gooz, tap in number three.

Gooz: OK.

Tony: Hey, Danny, we got a visitor. (Evelyn is walking across the base, wearing a red dress with a mandarin collar that buttons at her throat. I'm presuming she has some sort of military ID, because how on _earth_ did she get on the base looking like _that_?)

Gooz: That ain't no navy-issue uniform!

Red: Well, not our navy…

Billy: Danny, it's Evelyn!

Danny: Jesus! (Ducks, and takes his aviators off shakily. Is it a requirement that all pilots have sunglasses, or are they just copying _Top Gun_?)

Billy: You alright?

Danny: Yeah, yeah… No. I think I kinda like her.

Billy: Wow! You know, I saw this coming.

Gooz: No, you didn't, you liar!

Billy: Shut up, smelly!

Gooz: You sayin' I stink?

Danny: Guys, stop it! … I didn't want this to happen, it just did. (As it usually does…?)

Billy: Oh, it's all OK, Danny. If she's gotta be with someone, it might as well be you. (No… No, I don't think that's how it works, dude.)

Tony: So you're saying if you were dead and you saw your best buddy with your girl, you wouldn't wanna come back and beat the hell out of him? (I don't think this would happen in the first place, because, you know, you're dead.)

Red: Bbbback off, Tony!

Tony: Jus' saying.

Red: Danny's being a great friend to Rafe by taking care of her himself.

Gooz: I got a girlfriend. (They all stare at him.)

Billy: That's great… Ah, c'mon, fellas, let's split! (They all scramble off the plane.)

Red: Danny, what happens now is just about you and her. You gotta try to forget about Rafe.

Danny: I can't! He was my best buddy.

Red: No, no, I ddddidn't mean completely. Just for the next few mmminutes. (He leaves.)

Gooz: Be careful, man. Ladies… they cloud the mind. (Oh dear _Lord_.)

Danny: Thanks, Gooz.

Gooz: You're welcome. (He leaves.)

Evelyn: Hey, Danny! (Danny walks along the wing a tiny way, because, despite common knowledge, you can't actually walk along the whole wing. It will break. He sits down.) Where's everybody going?

Danny: Oh, I don't know. Just trying to give us some space, being discreet, you know.

Evelyn: Why? (Yeah, Danny. Why?)

Danny: Oh, I don't know. I think they're off to do guy stuff, you know, painting their nails, braiding their hair, that kinda thing.

Evelyn: Right… Look, Danny, I don't know why I'm here. I just wanted to show off my figure in this dress!

Danny: Oh, right! (Toothy grin.)

Evelyn: OK, I'm going out with the girls now. Bye! (Turns and walks off.)

Danny: Jesus. Hey, Evelyn! Have you ever seen Pearl Harbour by sunset?

Evelyn: Of course…

Danny: (Ear scratch.) From the air? (Oh, please no, we are_ not_ doing this…)

Evelyn: Of course, I've done recon missions… I mean, no! No! No, of course not! Whatever gave you that idea?! (She tucks her hair behind her ear in a flustered manner.)

Danny: Right. (Looks confused.)

* * *

(The airbase at night. A plane is on the runway. We hear bangs, struggles, and "ow's".)

Danny: No, Evelyn! Put your arm round like that, and –

Evelyn: My arm doesn't twist that way, Danny!

Danny: Well, I can't see, can I? I've got my face shoved up your –

Evelyn: Ow! That hurt, Danny!

Danny: Just get out! This ain't working, Evelyn. I'll arrange myself, and then we'll fit you in.

Evelyn: I can't move, let go! (She manages to squeeze out, and stands on the wing.)

Danny: OK. Try now, Evelyn. (She crawls in, and ends up uncomfortably seated on Danny's lap.)

Evelyn: Oof. I don't think this plane is supposed to hold two people, Danny.

Danny: No, me neither. I've come to that conclusion in the past couple of minutes. I guess I bunked when they told us that in pilot school. (Evelyn gives him an incredulous look.) Shall we go?

Evelyn: Yes, let's!

Danny: Could you just move your arm, so I can reach the controls? Thanks. (He starts the engine, and they cruise down the runway, and take off. The plane soars across the harbour, bathed in the glow of the setting sun. Evelyn twists round awkwardly to smile at Danny.) You know, if someone found out about this, I could get kicked out of the military!

Evelyn: What? I can't hear you – the engine!

Danny: What'd you say?

Evelyn: I – can't – hear – you!

Danny: I – said: I – could – get – kicked – out – the – military – for – this!

Evelyn: Oh! I know that! I am in the military too!

Danny: (Frustrated.) Oh…

Evelyn: My – dad – took – me – up – a – couple – of – times!

Danny: Was he a pilot then?

Evelyn: A what?

Danny: A – pilot!

Evelyn: Obviously! Just don't do what he did!

Danny: Which was what?

Evelyn: What?

Danny: What – did – he – do?!

Evelyn: A – roll! Erm, a barrel roll!

Danny: OK! I – won't! (He smiles to himself and flips the plane into a barrel roll. Evelyn screams loudly.)

Evelyn: Danny! I – said – no! (She vomits all over Danny.)

Danny: Sorry! Shall – we – head – home?!

Evelyn: Yes please.

Danny: What?

Evelyn: (Screams.) Yes – please! (The aircraft swoops back over the harbour. Back at the airbase, Danny lands, and the two struggle to get out. They step onto the tarmac. Danny smiles toothily at Evelyn.)

Danny: Come into the parachute hangar, I've got a surprise for you.

Evelyn: (Gasps.) Is this what I think it is?

Danny: If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise, now, would it? (He takes her hand and they walk into the hangar. A sign says, IF A PARACHUTE IS PACKED CORRECTLY, AN AIRMAN WILL LIVE TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY. Why are they on the floor then?)

Evelyn: Danny, where are we going?

Danny: Hold on. (They turn a corner, and Danny gestures proudly to a 'Twister' mat with Gooz sitting nearby, holding the spinner. He looks at them suggestively and smiles.)

Gooz: Hi… (Evelyn looks at Danny in disbelief. He takes it for amazement, and grins toothily at her. The game begins; Evelyn plays grudgingly, Danny is enthusiastic. After a while, they end up kissing, and once things progress – like the audience didn't see that coming – Gooz grabs a parachute and wafts it around.)

Danny: Er, Gooz, what are you doing?

Gooz: Jus' tryin' to make it more romantic… (Danny shrugs and goes back to kissing Evelyn. Gooz smiles happily at them, still wafting the parachute in an imaginary breeze.)

* * *

(Evelyn is strutting along outside the hospital, talking to herself.)

Evelyn: Danny… No, that's terrible. Erm, hi! … No, that's even worse… (Danny conveniently appears, and runs up to Evelyn.)

Danny: Hi, Evelyn!

Evelyn: Hey Danny… (Smiles flirtatiously.)

Danny: Hey, I couldn't sleep a wink last night.

Evelyn: That's because we were – er – _together_ last night.

Danny: Oh yeah… Well, I don't regret it! Do you?

Evelyn: I don't know… (Danny looks offended.) Look, Danny, I had an awfully tremendous (it's an in-joke) time last night, but it's all too fast!

Danny: Evelyn, you were the one who got to kissin' and cuddlin' first last night. Now _you're_ telling _me_ it's all too fast?

Evelyn: Well, yeah…

Danny: Look, I was down at the beach this morning, because I had nothing better to do, and I watched the sun rise. And I knew this could be the start of something new. (The High School Musical cast run out, and start singing "The Start of Something New". Danny turns to them.) Hey, guys, this isn't quite the right time…

Troy: Aw, come on, Gabriella! (The cast throw their pom-poms on the ground and storm off, muttering to each other.)

Danny: It's gonna be OK, Evelyn. Rafe's dead, there's nothing to stop us!

Evelyn: Yeah… You have your tie on crooked. (She puts her hands on his tie, but doesn't fix it. Danny leans in and accidentally headbutts her.) Ow! Goddammit, Danny!

Danny: Oh, I apologise… (Toothy grin.)

* * *

_Yeah, this is really short, sorry, but it was the right place to make a chapter break. I still have to copy up the next few chapters, so they may be a little longer in coming, but I'll do my best. Enjoy, and please review if you've liked it :)_


End file.
